ministry

Do You Believe in Soulmates?

girls ministry, women, youth ministry

In May, I posted this post that explains a little bit of what I have been wrestling with, in regards to how we talk to our teenagers about sex, specifically teenage girls. We have played the shame game for long enough, and I want to redirect youth ministry to a more loving and honest approach to the “sex talk.”

One of my friends that I grew up with posted on my personal Facebook page this article: My Husband Is Not My Soul Mate

This article is one I have read before and orates really well the myth behind having a “soul mate.” Too often we tell our teenage girls to just “Wait for God to put that perfect man in your life” (which I already ranted about) or to “Pray for your future soulmate.”

We say these things with good intentions, and I think there are good principles here; but what are we implying?

  • That they WILL get married. Not necessarily true
  • That there is ONE person out there for them. What a tiring search!
  • That their self-worth is found in a man. Absolutely not.

So what are a a few ways things we can do?

If it happens, it happens.

I think that teaching our teenagers (especially girls) that relationships are beautiful and that if they happen, they happen, that’s wonderful. But not necessarily promised.

First Love isn’t the Only Love

I think we need to teach them that the first person they date is not the one; in fact, there are many potential possibilities of the one! There have been men in my life who I honestly could have lived a good, long life with. But that doesn’t mean they are my “soul mate.” And:

There are other fish in the sea.

If you pass up a “good opportunity” in pursuit of something (or someone) else, that opportunity is not lost forever. Of course, popular music and movies would teach you different.  Like I said, I have passed up some opportunities because:

God may still be preparing you. 

I think it’s funny that we pray, “And God, I pray for my future husband that you are preparing for me.“  One day I realized: Maybe it’s me God is preparing for him. Why do we assume it’s the other person who God is working on?  It’s pretty audacious for me to think that I’m the one waiting, when in reality there may be a guy who God has in mind to run into my path soon, but I’m the one who’s not prepared.  Just. Saying.

Re-define “the perfect mate.”

Bust the bubbles of reality. I used to make lists of what my future husband should be like. I wish I could find the Bible Journal from middle (even high) school that had a points system, including:

  • If he loves Jesus +25 points.
  • Attends church every Sunday +25
  • Nice face +10 points.
  • Nice body +10 points.
  • Abs +10 points
  • Taller than me +15
  • Has a sense of humor +15 points.
  • Plays guitar +10 points.
  • Thinks my parents are stupid too +10 points.
  • Smokes -50 points
  • Does drugs -100 points
  • Must have 90 points in order to date me.

I’m not even kidding.

But as I get older— do I really care that he’s not the best at writing with perfect grammar? Okay, let’s skip that one. But does he HAVE to be over six feet tall? I’m pretty short as it is. Why do I care about things that don’t honestly matter?  What do perfect abs have to do with anything; we’re all gonna get fat when we get old anyway.

All I’m sayin’ is:

Let’s be realistic and honest with our teenagers. Let’s not shame them into thinking that they HAVE to date or have relationships with the opposite sex in one, concrete way. Live life with them, let them experience what marriage is like by having married couples invest in them, and let them see that singleness is not for ugly people and creepers who are miserable.

If this stuff isn’t true, then I am one sad, miserable, 23 year old and I should invest in some cats, liposuction, and therapy.

The Calling Sticks in Corinth

jobs, transition

This morning I heard what I needed to hear.  Like, so bad.

Acts 18.  So, here’s Paul: Paul was asked personally by Jesus to be His witness and to go make disciples.  Paul goes and has some luck and visits 25 cities in 5 years, but is tired and burnt out.  And out of all the places to get led to, God takes him to Corinth.  Corinth is like our modern-day Vegas;  full of idols, prostitutes, and sin.  So Paul, who more than anything probably thinks he needs somewhere calm where he can just relax, has to go probably his hardest place yet.

And what happens? Well, he’s broke. So he begins building tents again for money.  He’s ministering “part-time” because he has to live.  And slowly, God begins to meet his needs.  He brings Priscilla and Aquila to help him make money, and he ends up making friends and disciples. As he makes new friends, old ones come about: Timothy and Silas come and bring financial support.  And Paul, throughout this process, never ceases to proclaim Christ.  It looked different at times, but he knew his calling and stuck with it through all the changes.  God affirms him and then blesses him by having Paul stay there for a year and a half, building some of the strongest churches yet.

Paul, this saint, this man whose writings I read more than anybody else who has ever lived, whose words have shaped my theology and my understanding of Christ–he was burnt out at one point.  He was “part time” at one point.  He was in a place that didn’t appear to meet his needs.  He was stuck doing a job that he wasn’t passionate about in order to be able to live (or even in order to minister!).  He had hardships.  But he stuck through it all, and no matter if he was able to minister “full-time,” “part-time,” or in prison, he just did it.

This is so encouraging to me…and it reminds me how important it is for me to not hold off “ministering” just because I’m not in my ideal position to minister. This may be where God wants me for years to come (how scary is that?), and instead of “sucking it up” I need to embrace it and do what He has called me to do.

The calling sticks…even when in Corinth.

5 Reasons Your Ministry Needs Women Leaders @youth_min

Contributions, leadership, women, youth ministry, youthmin.org

Youth Ministry girl leaders

This post originally appeared here: http://www.youthmin.org/5-reasons-your-ministry-needs-women-leaders/

Your youth ministry needs women leaders.  Before we start arguing the theology of women in ministry, I want you to hear me out:  The purpose of this post is not to advocate for ordained women, or women pastors, or to argue the Pauline view of women.

The purpose of this post is to convince you why you need more women in roles of discipleship, worship, and (yes) teaching.  We need to have a spread of leaders who represent the spread of the audience in gender, color, and background.  So if your youth group is 60% female and 40% male, you should have about that amount of male/female leaders.  I empathize that it may never be perfectly that way, but you should strive for that representation.

Girls need women leaders.

Seems like a no-brainer, yes?  Young girls need to have examples of women who are leading. If we are teaching our young ladies that they need to advance the gospel, then we need to have examples of women who are actively advancing the gospel in their lives personally.  Additionally, girls desperately need to hear from a variety of women.  Girls need to see a picture of themselves in these roles so that they can do it, too.

Boys need women leaders.

For so long, we’ve been doing ministry so that boys can only lead boys, and girls can only lead girls.  However, there are wonderful things that boys need from both men and women, just as girls need both in their development.  When I began my first youth ministry position, a mother came to me and told me that her son was going to be my toughest case, because he doesn’t respect women, and that included his mother.  I remember that first night of youth group–this eighth grader challenged me with every “tough question” he could muster on women, homosexuality, and president Obama.  When I left two years later, that same mother said to me that her son not only respected women, but valued their leadership in his life.  He became more sensitive, more respectful, and even more affectionate towards his own mother.  Boys need men to mentor them, yes; yet having women as leaders will lead them to holding greater value of women.

Male leaders need women leaders.

Men and women compliment each other.  You have a variety of leaders who are more playful, some more disciplinary, some more empathetic, some more protective, some more approachable, and others more on a pedestal; not to mention the variety of skills: building sets, making snacks, teaching, discipling, etc.  Put people in their sweet spots, and play off their strengths. I serve in a ministry where the co-directors are an unrelated male and female, and it’s beautiful watching how the strengths play off of each other, and where one is weak another fills in strong.  Think about it: why does God give children both a mother and a father?  Both are beautiful and have roles that are necessary in leadership.

Women leaders need women leaders.

I will be the first to admit that I need support.  I need examples of strong women in ministry so that I can do ministry, and I definitely see the effects as I begin mentoring women in ministry.  We need discipleship and community, especially as a part of our female identity.  Personally, it can be difficult as a female in a male-dominated profession, and I crave interaction with other ladies.  So ladies, step it up! And… let’s be friends.

God needs women leaders.

God uses women for multiple tasks in the Bible, and in Acts it is said that God will use both sons and daughters to prophesy in his name.  God uses some of the most random people to accomplish His tasks, so never discredit a potential leader based on their gender, age, race, or background.  From Abel to Moses to Deborah to David to Esther to John the Baptizer to Jesus to the Woman at the Well to Paul… (anyone else out of breath?)… God has a knack of loving and using people who just don’t fit the standard mold.

Apathy is not the Problem

christianity, church, leadership, unchurched, youth ministry

Teenagers do well if they want to.  This is a “fact;” there have been many resources trying to help parents, leaders, and youth workers get their teenagers to be less apathetic.  I’ve read some of these, and agree that apathy is certainly a problem.  So, we spend week after week at the pulpits trying to inspire teenagers to commit to change.  We pour into their lives with discipleship, trying to get them to see that someone cares about them, and therefore they should care too.  Yet at the end of the day, we leaders can feel extremely empty and dry.  I know personally that I can pour out everything that I have into students and often times it dries me up emotionally, physically, spiritually.  I read articles that tell me how to motivate, but I feel like I’m doing my best job!  I’m sure everyone who reads this relates to this frustration.

So what if apathy isn’t the problem?

It’s certainly a problem; I mean, if it’s not our teenagers’ lack of motivation, what is stopping them from growing in faith?  Instead of simply trying to inspire them, what if we looked at what they’re apathetic about and encourage change in action and not in behavior?  The mentality is no longer “Teens do well if they want to,” but “Teens do well if the’re able to.”

This model was first described in the book The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene.  Watch him explain more about this idea in this video.  I attended a training session on this idea this last month, and wanted to share what I learned with the youth ministry community.

Under the mentality of “Teenagers do well if they’re able to,” it’s no longer about if they want to or not.  Some teenagers want to advance the gospel but still can’t because all they’re being told is “do it” but they don’t know how.  Some teenagers want to quit a particular sin, but don’t have the tools to stop.  They want to, but can’t.  If you give them the tools, they’ll be able to.  And for those teenagers who don’t want to, even Martin Luther King couldn’t inspire that teen; but if you teach them the tools, they might change without even wanting to.  It’s like a teenager who doesn’t want to go to school–the underlying problem is they think they are stupid.  If you educate them, they can succeed anyway, even if they never wanted to. Ha! Tricksy!

This changes our roles as youth leaders drastically:  We are no longer a motivator, but an equipper.  Greene says that with the old model, our job greatly narrows what the teenager can do in their life–making them want  to do something and nothing more.  Under this new model, pastoring is not as much about transferring our desire for the gospel, but our knowledge of the gospel.  Pastoring isn’t about motivating teenagers with the best fluff and feel-good stuff you got, but about giving them the tools.  Sure, apathy is a problem.  Yes, we should definitely try to inspire and motivate our students to share the same passion as us.  Of course, there will be some teens that don’t change; this model is not the answer to all of your youth ministry problems.  If you give them the tools and they still aren’t changing, then you shouldn’t feel dry as you may have before; you’ve done your best job as a youth pastor.

What do you guys think about this model?  How do you think this may impact the way that you do ministry? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Why working in a group home makes me more legit for when I begin working in a church again (AKA THE LONGEST BLOG TITLE EVER)

unchurched, youth ministry

I felt insecure that working in a group home would somehow convince churches that I wasn’t a good fit there. And then I realized:

I know what it’s like to live with teenagers.

Most parents think “Oh, honey, you’re young. You don’t know what it’s like to raise children or have a teenager.”  I live in a house with 6 teenagers and their children.  And not just normal teens, but at-risk urban teens.  Teens with mouths on them and punches to match.  I not only am a mom to them, but a grandmom to their children too, as I teach them how to parent.  Of course, it’s different when you raise a child from the womb and then they start lipping back.  The point is, I am not completely ignorant to parenting.

I’m great in crises.

I hate that that is something I can even “brag” about.  The old Heather would have freaked out, punched somebody in the jaw, or ran away and hid somewhere had she encountered some of the things I have.  I know what to do in a medical emergency, a case of self-harm/attempted suicide, when a teen runs away, and when teenagers are beating the snot out of each other.  And I am not only trained to deal with these situations, but I m actually fairly clear-headed in them.  I know how to make quick decisions that are also good decisions.  God has listened to my begging and has given me a great ability to discern.

I don’t sweat the small stuff.

Never again will I complain about a diplomatic deacon, a micromanaging pastor, or hovering parent.  When budget meeting goes too long, I won’t cry my eyes out about how my budget was ripped apart (well I hope…).  I have learned not to focus on the small things, but to look at the big picture.  This also crosses over to disciplinary measures–I am less about immediate consequences for the sake of consequences and more about “natural” consequences.

I rejoice in small accomplishments.

Nope, that doesn’t contradict my last point :).  When a teen apologizes or says “yes ma’am” or offers to summarize a lesson, I’m fist-pumping. So they’re not perfect? I shouldn’t expect perfection or a rockstar prayer life. They’re learning. Let’s party.

I am incredibly secure with myself.

We don’t give teenagers enough credit: they are incredibly intuitive.  They can spot out every insecure thing about yourself, and call you out on it.  After two years of being called out of my name, called out on my inconsistencies, assaulted, and cursed at nose-to-nose…I know who I am.  Of course, I’m not perfect, and I am actively working on myself in a few areas; I just don’t get torn down when I’m rejected nor am I offended easily.

I’ve learned some lessons about integrity.

In my opinion, the hardest thing about working in a group home as a live-in is maintaining integrity.  When a teenager has a funky attitude and is repeatedly disrespectful, it seems like I’m going to lose my mind some days.  But I have to remain consistent in love, faithful in giving my time, and maintain a straight face even when I’m broken on the inside.

In what ways has God prepared you for ministry in some of your other jobs?

What Do You Do if a Fight Breaks out in Youth Group? @youth_min

Contributions, youth ministry, youthmin.org

This post originally appeared here: http://www.youthmin.org/what-do-you-do-if-a-fight-breaks-out-in-youth-group/

I hope that most people never have to deal with this, but for people who work in urban, rural, or really any setting, this is a reality.  Handling a physical altercation requires that you can think quickly enough to deescalate the situation and keep everyone safe. Here’s what you do:

  1. Make sure everyone is safe.  This is the most important thing.  As soon as the punches start flying, whether at you or another, make sure everyone else exits the situation by going to another room or outside.  You want an adult leader to stay in the room with you while you try to verbally deescalate the person(s) involved so that you have a witness to the situation.  If the person is angry with you, remove yourself from the situation and have another adult try to calm the person down.
  2. If it is you who is assaulted, don’t hit back.  No really.  Make sure that when your adrenaline is flying, you do not act out of anger.  One, you could lose your job.  Two, you could get in trouble with the law.  Three, Jesus said a few things about turning the other cheek; if you teach your students to walk away from a fight, you had better do it too.
  3. In fact, it’s best you keep your hands off completely. There can be a lawsuit, or worse, something could go the wrong way.  I have been trained to restrain (I’ve worked in mental health facilities) and I know from my training that even the most calculated and seemingly safe touches can go wrong in these kinds of situations.  So just stick with a hands-off approach.  Usually when two teenagers fight, they fight the anger out for a few punches and stop on their own.  If they do not stop, call the police immediately.  I still recommend not putting yourself into the situation, but if you feel it is necessary, use your best discretion.
  4. When do you call the police?  This is a conversation you may want to have with your church staff.  What becomes a problem for the insurance company?  If two teens exchange a few punches, it may not seem like a big deal; however your church may have a policy on filing a police report regardless, so that the situation is on official and legal record.  And if a student assaults you, it might be hard to imagine filing an assault charge on them.  But it might be the most loving thing for you to finally show a student that their actions are going to really hurt them in the long run by pressing charges.
  5. Make sure that your leaders know how to handle a situation should a fight break out.  Provide training for your leaders in crisis intervention so that they can effectively deescalate a verbally or physically aggressive teenager.  There are many classes you can take to get certified in crisis intervention (plus it looks fantastic on your resume!)

Have you ever had to break out a fight?  What suggestions do you have to add to the conversation?

Trying to Find a Job in Student Ministry?

church, youth ministry

It’s weird that this is my most-viewed post, but here it is:

Trying to find a job in student ministry? It can seem overwhelming trying to decide where to start. Here are some starter points:

Email some of your connections; you may find you have more than you think:
  • professors from your university or seminary
  • the head of your area convention
  • past churches you have worked for, preached at, or been in any kind of connection with
  • youth pastors in other churches
Here are some organizations that help connect you to the right church.
Denomination Websites:
Here are search engines that are specifically related to finding church jobs:
Here are some “general” sites that combine most sites (like Monster, CareerBuilder, etc) into one for easy Job searches:
Look on Christian university websites:
Non-Profit Organizations
Camps

A special thanks to all of you who have been sending me sites to add to this list! Wouldn’t it just be easier if there was one place for all listings?