I haven’t posted in a while, and that’s because I’m in a stage of transformation. As we all are and should be.
7 months ago, I moved my entire life to Indianapolis in the pursuit of being full-time at one thing. I’m really good at committing to multiple things and over-booking life, and I wanted to centralize things and commit to one big thing. More on that in the next post.
I’ve always been labeled by friends as two things: Hilarious and Transparent. Incredibly and to a fault self-aware, I know that I’m extremely vulnerable. I cannot hide it. Even PlayBuzz detects that every thing I do comes from a place of vulnerability.
I believe Creator God created each of us with individual attributes that strongly reflect an image of him. Because none of us are perfectly sanctified, we each bear glimpses of God that together make up his image. Beautiful to think about. And because we haven’t reached perfection, those attributes come with Earthy flaws–
My attribute is my vulnerability and consequently empathy. Which is beautiful as a minister, and frustrating as a human being. My emotions are always on my forehead and they get me in trouble, but also inspire people to love what I love.
That said, I want to explain how this led to a break in blogging.
In February, I began loathing the voice I had taken as a blogger. I gained feedback that I had become arrogant and ignorant, two things I disdain.
I removed myself as the editor and a contributor at the youth ministry website I was working at, understanding that I had taken on the voices of other contributors with little success at translating that to my own unique voice, therefore rubbing readers wrongly.
And as I explored my journey individually, I realized that I am no expert, no guru. When I began blogging, it was an outlet. But as I became more known, there was a pressure to fit into a mold, especially in the blogging circle I ran with. As an editor, blogging became: meeting deadlines. Editing blogs that I don’t really agree with. Trying to have the conversation of “what is our purpose as a site?” I struggled to cope with the fact that my purpose as a blogger was different than those I worked with; and truthfully I loved those guys as friends deeply, but wasn’t on the same page in terms of blogging philosophy. Those things made me unhappy and caused me to resent the youth ministry blogosphere as a whole, and I needed a break.
So my break begged the question : if I am to blog, which I love, what is my purpose?
I get emails all the time from people who appreciate that most beautiful and damning thing about me: the fact that my emotions are on the table. And that’s who I am on my personal blog : Vulnerable, hilarious, hot mess, educating myself and others as I write, Heather. Whose purpose is to empower others to just… Be themselves. Which is a reflection of Creator God.
***I’m so grateful to those who’ve walked with me through life over the last year, because who I am is constantly changing. I also know that because I process with anxiety, I’ve hurt dear friends as I’ve made impulsive decisions. I’m learning. I apologize.
3 thoughts on “Being Vulnerable”
I appreciate transparency and vulnerability and don’t think we see enough of that, especially among leaders. Prayers for you as you continue to allow God to transform those traits to more effectively bring him glory.
When I read your blog, I kind of feel as if I am looking through a mirror. I can relate to you in so many ways. I am a single youth leader of a small church. I am transparent and hilarious (or so I am told) my emotions also get the better of me at times. It is so refreshing to know that I am not alone. That others deal with what I deal with. Thank you for your blog. I enjoy reading it and feeling understood.
I hear you! I love having a blog to connect with people so that we’re not alone. That’s the worst feeling, especially if we’re people who are vulnerable. We belong in community!